Lasers, Quiet Time & What to Do

A beautiful Columbian woman precisely executes the injection of Lidocaine (anesthetic) into my neck about 35 or 40 times. Maybe more. My body is metabolizing it so fast she tries ice. The ice burns. She soaks a cloth in alcohol and puts it near my face. It tastes like shit and I'm moving into a state of helplessness. I'm just lying there, twitching, cotton balls in my ears and blinders on my eyes. Twitching like I'm on LSD. She talks sweetly; she's so kind and understanding. She tells me football players come in with tiny tattoos and tears roll down their face. She's probably just telling me this for empathy's sake. The laser clacks like a low-caliber rifle directly into my ear. I can still feel it. Fuck it. Just deal with it.

I guess I fell asleep. I woke up and she told me we were 90% finished. She starts again, I twitch some more; deep breaths are my truest friend.

It's over and the bandage is on. I nearly fall off the table from the anesthetics. All I can think about is what my life was like when I decided to get a tattoo on my neck. I was so proud of it, but nevertheless, it just wasn't me. I circumnavigated my gentle personality and let this other person in. Feeling so small, I realized the rage welling up inside of me was too much to bear. Much like the laser was pain, so was the self-rejection an excruciating burn of white-hot heat. Much like the Lidocaine did its best to numb the laser, so did chemical substances do theirs to wipe away my malice and depression.

That's all really personal, but it's relevant. I'm at this place in my life where I need to remove myself from social networking (including this, I suppose) and seek enlistment in a quieter life, far removed from the pressures of drama and paranoia. I seek a little bit of sympathy, but more than anything, I seek acceptance and inclusion. In the worst way, I stumbled upon love recently. That paranoia has left me suffering; the circumstances are by no means ideal. I see a best friend and a lover in her, which is ironic. Never before have I felt like my insides are about to explode because of all the information and emotion I inhale when I'm with her. Never before have I wanted to trust someone so badly, but don't want to ask questions because I don't want to scare her away.

TMI, TMI, how you get me every time. Point is, I'm in severe pain right now. The noise of the train off in the distance is overwhelming. Knowing I have to sleep on one side for three nights is overwhelming. Being uncertain about whether or not I will ever have the opportunity, if it gets to this point, to tell this girl I love her and I want to run away with her, is overwhelming. Far, far away. I ran out of marijuana. I can't fucking believe it. Of all the times to be unable to get stoned. Nearly broke and weedless. I shall overcome.

I shall overcome.

There have been a couple inspirational lyrics that are carrying me through right now. I'd like to share them with you:

The first is from a song by Islands called "Life In Jail."

Besides, there's nothing to live for unless you live a little more like you're going to die.

This is remarkably challenging and comforting all at once. I think sometimes that my music will fail completely, leaving me without motivation or a cause. But the truth is, I can't sum it up any better. No holds barred.

The second is from a song by Girls called "Heartbreaker."

Because when I said that I loved you, honey

I knew it from the very start.

Because when I said that I loved you, honey

I knew that you would break my heart.

The only reason I appreciate this is because it makes me understand that preparing for the very worst is pointless, complete bullshit, a worthless waste of time. Hearing those words makes me understand that it's okay to feel so intensely for someone. You never know...it might end there. No need for that second lyric.

Thanks for reading to here. Or skimming to here. Either one. It's great.

L,

JK